Here’s a link to the map I made, which basically outlines everything that I typically talk to myself about in terms of the SOURCE project and designing in general, complete with a little acronym that I made up for how I think about concepts on a regular basis. Since all of this is off the top of my head and based on what I usually do, it might not be communicated 100%, so feel free to ask for clarification.

“Write about something you think I’m wondering about you and why you think I think it’s worthwhile for me to be wondering about you.”

Wow, that’s a little intense…

Hmm, well, I’d have to say that you might be wondering what the heck I’ve been doing all semester, in a good way, I’d hope. It’s been really interesting, even if it is difficult. I’ve had some interesting experience that I think have made me grow as a person a bit. I’ve been having to spend a lot of time at the local skate park for Jimmy’s class, and I’ve also made a new friend because of that, not to mention met some of the regulars, as I’ve had to stop and ask them if I can film them. I think normally this wouldn’t be a big feat or anything, but I’m incredibly shy, as you are aware, and I really had to get out of my shell to talk to these people, and at first I couldn’t even do it. So I think in that respect, I’ve grown somewhat. I think even though I’m constantly afraid of failure and the consequences that follow, it keeps me on my toes and going strong, and I’ve also managed to gain some confidence this semester because of the fear and stress and the fact that I’m still alive and doing my best.

I think I’ve always had an issue with confidence, and one thing you might wonder is why I’ve been asking for so much help all of a sudden, and I think I honestly just got disoriented at some point, couldn’t grasp my own concepts, and then became desperate for help and understanding. However, I found time to recenter, and I feel more in tune with myself than I ever have. I feel determined, excited, and overall like myself again. I think I honestly struggled with my purpose this semester, and I’ve made a few adjustments (which you should ask me about) and I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I feel better about myself. I feel alive.

I think that, up until now, it hadn’t hit me that my father had left me and my mom for broke. Yes, he’s not here. Yes, he’s not helping us at all. Yes, he’s a total jerk to me and my mom. But, somehow, I think I repressed it since I needed to do well in school and help my mom get through everything. However, I think it just kinda came crashing down on me this semester, and that’s why I became afraid of failure. I think, in general, while I don’t want to put my mother and I in a situation where we’re homeless and starving since I don’t have a scholarship for school, I also don’t want to be like my father. Really and truly, he was an awful guy, but he was also a total failure. Went to school for accounting and couldn’t even handle it well enough to get a job or do well in his classes. I don’t want to be anything like him. I might not be top of my class, but I want to be up there, if I can be. I want to get more involved. I want to do more. I want to be more than anyone in my entire family has been. My father and my relatives like him totally tarnished our family name, and if you haven’t noticed, I stopped using my second last name (even though it’s on the roster). Arenivar was his name, not my mom’s. However, I feel like I might pick it up again. I think I wanted to distance myself from him so bad that I tried to cut that out, but I think the best thing to do is to make that name something great. Not for him, but for myself. Anyhow, that’s my little update on who I am and who I’m growing up to be, and why I think that is. Needless to say, I’m not afraid of the future anymore. I want this for myself, and I’m going to get it.