by E

Dear John (or whatever your name is), this is a wake up call to your current situation with your friend, that is a girl. That’s right, I’m saying it that way because she is not your girlfriend, nor will she ever become your girlfriend! If you find what I am saying to be harsh then you should stop reading NOW, because this friendly little guide is not going to get any nicer. I’ll give you a moment to make up your mind….

You feeling up to hearing the truth?

Good boy! You have some man in you after all.

You are most likely reading this because you are a moodle, or because you’re a person that wants to know what the hell a moodle is. First off, a moodle is a man-poodle. Women like to walk the moodle, feed the moodle, and play with the moodle. But they will never, I repeat, NEVER do the moodle. It is the epitome of being friend zoned level 99. It’s simple math really, 10% man + 90% poodle = moodle. The ten percent man is me assuming you can speak a recognized human language fluently. Why such a high percentage of poodle? Because, in the mind of your female friend ,you are categorized as a dog. But be happy, you’re a pet dog, not just some beast that goes around humping everything in sight like the average mutt. Think of it this way: You are the official, straight, gay best friend!

I know that this doesn’t sound like a very good position to be in, but you’re wrong. The reason is that one girl’s moodle can one day be another girl’s man. Let me explain. Like the gay best friend, a moodle is welcomed into (forgive the terminology) his owner’s inner crucial. She may not see you as a potential in any way, but her friends might have different tastes in men. Are you getting the picture, or do I need to spell it out for you? If I do, then you are reading the wrong book! You must go find a book called Help! I Know Absolutely Nothing About Women.

How do you know if you’re a moodle? Good question! However, I’m sure if you thought really hard about it you could figure it out on your own. I’ll tell you a few things about moodles to help you out. You might be a moodle if: She won’t go on a date with you, a hug is as far as you can ever hope to get, your socialization with each other is only in public or with a group, and/or communication is rare and usually just in passing.

Not all male friends are moodles! This is the most important thing to remember. The static of being a moodle depends on the relationship dynamic between the friends, but the average moodle owner relationship has a more dominant female and submissive male. And no, I’m not talking about any S&M crap, just that the guy does not have much of a backbone. He may not act like this around other people, but definitely around her. Because of this, she doesn’t see him as a boyfriend contender, and in her mind, will most likely categorize him as a moodle.

There are generally two types of owners, Alpha Females and Queen Bees. The Alpha Female is the type of girl that can be assertive. This is normally the girl you see hanging out with guys. Most of those guy are her moodles. It is important to remember that she is not dominant over all males, just her moodles. The Queen Bee, on the other hand, is the lead bitch of a click of girls. She is the center of attention and likes it that was. Her moodles are her playthings and she likes the use them to get what she wants. Queen Bees are usually more manipulative, in this way, than Alpha Females.

All my female readers will get this simile. The guy of this story is like a little dirty puppy that shows up on your front porch in the middle of a rain storm. Of course, the puppy is too cute to completely ignore, so you take it in. Out of the kindness of your heart, you feed it, give it some water, and provide it with shelter. Once the rain has passed, you send it on its way so that it can return to its family. However, the pup keeps coming back, won’t leave you alone, and eventually gets the nerve to try and hump your leg. This is the point in time that the moodle turns into a stalker, or the not so affectionately named drooler.

Meet Sam, the not so manly man. And meet Emma, a sweet girl with a dormant alpha personality. Sam thinks he is in love with Emma. The poor boy has no clue that Emma has no interest in him and only sees him as a friend. He has been moodled.

Thoughts of a Moodled Man

Well, that is complicated, and rather ineffectual. For if you suspect that you have been turned into a moodle, then you most certainly have been. It is not a mere suspicion that you happen to be a moodle, it is confirmation by the simple fact that you are claimed in absentia by one or more women to have the above mentioned characteristics.

You are too comfy around her, while at the same time knowing that there is a reason to deny that you are more than just affectionate toward her. This is a critical point. This is when you think that she has feelings for you, but in fact there are none, save in your own imagination. If you have no feelings for the woman, other than platonic, then you may be able to make a case against your own moodledom.

Being theoretically molded is not enough. You have to be confirmed as a moodle by more than one associate, as well as one non-associate. This is highly unlikely, and so you are ostensibly at a much lower risk of being a moodle than many of your good girl friends will lead you to believe. For instance, if you’re the puppy in a rainstorm, you are highly susceptible to moodilation, and this may lead to a situation of being brought in under the roof by the scent of a woman whose home has too many characteristics of your own. You feel at home immediately after being led in on a leash, or led in on the mere words of temptation.

It is not that these temptations will actually amount to anything, but your dog slobbering brain leads you to the conclusion that you have a chance at anything bigger and substantial than a hug. You have only met her once or twice, yet think of her constantly in your free time, and it is worse after a simple short term exposure, similar to smoking pot.

The only way I can tell you this, is that I am a moodle, having been moodled on probably more than one occasion. There was one instance that I am certain of, but I would deny all other possible occasions. You are officially a moodle if you are on a virtual leash, yet still are not a drooler. Being a drooler is an impending disaster, because most women observe your weaknesses and conclude that you are useless. This is a rough spot to be in. At least I’m only a moodle.