by Daniel Haverty

On the grassy slopes alongside SH 130 just outside Austin, Texas, lives a population of feral hogs, some of which are descended from Russian boars and other boutique swine. These collective swine are lined up to surf the mechanized wave of autobahn vehicles, like Malibu locals waiting for their perfect set. The SH 130 was recently proclaimed the nation’s fastest freeway with a speed limit of eighty-five. Bear in mind that most drivers take a poetic license with speed limits, and presume eight to twelve miles an hour over the posted speed limit as the accepted margin. To set the scene, we have three and a half ton vehicles traveling ninety-five or more miles an hour and two hundred pound hogs running out into traffic with imminent collisions about to occur. According to the nearest sheriff’s department, drivers should not swerve to avoid contact with the hogs, but go ahead and let the collision happen and hope for the best. The sheriffs claim that too many drivers swerve to avoid the hogs and end up in a rollover accident with sometimes fatal results. One would not need a physics lesson to know that a high-speed collision with a large animal and a crumpled sensitive sports car is a catastrophic event. If a nine pound goose can bring down an F-14, then a two hundred pound hog will surely end the journey of a beamer.

Questions come to mind:  Why are these pigs out here? Don’t they have a farm to go home to? Aren’t there spiders for them to converse with? Is asphalt cold fusion bacon really their future? The reality is these pigs are lost souls. Their plight of homelessness and being hunted by men in helicopters, when those helicopters aren’t too busy ferrying wealthy tourists to Grand Prix races, is one of nomadic wanderings along what is the closest thing to an autobahn that exists in the U.S. These swine are displaced for various reasons; some wealthy industrialist wants to create a wild game ranch for weekend fun and then imports some Russian Blue boars and other exotics and then his hedge fund evaporates and the exotic animals are left to fend for themselves; others are crossbreeds from farms and ranches that need fences mended and others are simply wild to begin with.

To examine the supposed thought process of a feral hog, do they see headlights as an enticement to run into what might be a sunrise or an intruder of sorts into the realm of their domain? It might be that there is little or no rational thought to their behavior, and that their running out into traffic is actually innate behavior to an unknown light source. Bad intent is certainly not in the capabilities of swine; although they are a displaced and hunted population, their limited thought process excludes them from deviant behavior.

There was rumor some months ago of a bacon shortage. There might be a probable solution to two different dilemmas. Instead of hunting and disposing of the feral pigs, with a little fencing and a bit of surplus grain the population could be nurtured and then harvested to supplant any shortage of pork bellies. With revenues derived from the sale of Interstate wild bacon a budget could be created to launch a wildlife conservatory habitat where feral populations of the future could be protected.