Books & Bottles

Depression and anxiety in graduate students are on the rise. In a survey of 50,000, 86% reported feeling levels of anxiety (Nature.com). Depression and anxiety affect 10% of pregnant women, and about 13% of women who have just given birth. These numbers are higher in populations that experience poverty (WHO). Between the stress that comes along with graduate studies, the pressures of being a mother, and adapting to a global epidemic, it is increasingly important that mothers who are graduate students implement mental health and wellness into their strategy.

In some states, unemployment rates are nearly 30% according to Forbes. The impact COVID-19 has had on the United States’ economy has many students anxious about job prospects upon graduation, job security if they are currently employed, and securing university positions to help fund their education. Additionally, with headlines such as How Coronavirus Could do Real, Long-Term Damage to Women’s Careers, it is no wonder mothers in particular are feeling depressed and anxious. The article states, “June unemployment numbers show that 11.2% of women over age 20 are unemployed, which is a full percentage point higher than male unemployment in that same age group, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ most recent jobs report.”

There are many things graduate school moms can keep in their tool kit to keep their mental health in check. A healthy routine that incorporates productive time management, boundary setting, self-care, realistic goal setting, and a therapist or friend to talk to are vital to controlling depression in anxiety while in grad school during a pandemic.

Establishing a routine sends signals to your brain that it is time to accomplish something. It allows you to structure your time in a way that sets expectations for yourself and communicates what you need to get done to others so that accommodations can be made. It is important to take into consideration your child’s needs, your obligations with work and school, and your partner’s needs and obligations when establishing a routine. This will help ensure all considerations are made. Because there are a lot of more moving parts to our days, having a routine that allows for flexibility can help alleviate a lot of stress.

Setting boundaries is an important piece of any healthy relationship. You need to recognize your boundaries with work, school, and your personal relationships and clearly communicate them to others. Having boundaries does not make you any less of a mother, student, employee, or partner. Knowing and communicating what you have the bandwidth for can help you be more effective, and thus help you succeed.

Most people consider self-care as a bubble bath and a glass of wine. That is definitely self-care. But self-care is a lot more than that. It is continuously taking inventory of your body and your emotions, assessing your needs, celebrating your big and small wins, communicating effectively, and working in activities that are proven to reduce stress, such as exercise. Exercise is a great way to distract yourself from stressors, work out frustration while improving your physical health.

The feeling of checking off things from a to-do list is incredibly gratifying. It is a great way to remain on task and to prioritize. Another way to feel accomplished is to set daily, weekly, or monthly goals that are attainable. It can be things that are simple, like making time to work out during your lunch break or waking up early to get dressed and wash your face. Goal setting is a great opportunity to reframe tasks that we need to complete for our mental health, but might be hard to prioritize when we are juggling so much in our day between work, school, kids, cleaning, cooking, and all the other things that are continuously on our never-ending to-do list.

While the above-mentioned things are important things, we can do to maintain our mental health, it is important to know that it is okay to not be okay. Graduate studies are stressful in and of themselves. Motherhood is stressful in and of itself. Working is often stressful in and of itself. Adapting to a pandemic is stressful in and of itself. Reconciling all of these things for ourselves and our children is an unprecedented position that parents are now in. All the different parts of our world are colliding, and it is okay to not be okay. And if you are not okay, it is okay to have a therapist. It is okay to have a therapist if your worlds are not colliding. It is okay to have a therapist if you feel okay. It is okay to have a therapist if you do not think you need a diagnosis but just want someone to talk to. Going to therapy does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It does not mean that you will be diagnosed with anything. And it does not mean that if you are diagnosed with something that that is going to make you less. It is a resource that many people use, and many more people should use whether it is weekly or monthly. It is okay to go to therapy.

Brian Dyson, former CEO of Coca-Cola is famously quoted when talking about work-life balance. He states that work-life balance is about balancing multiple balls and recognizing that some of those balls are glass and some are rubber. You can drop a rubber work ball and it will be okay, but you cannot drop a glass family ball, because it will be damaged. Today, with work, life, and school all seeming to blend together, it is important to realize that sometimes a glass ball needs to be a rubber ball. And sometimes a rubber ball needs to be a glass ball. As mothers, we all want to prioritize our children before everything, but sometimes certain tasks are more important and timelier. Communicating that someone needs to wait for you to take care of something before you tend to them does not mean you dropped a glass ball.

It is normal to feel overwhelmed, anxious and even depressed when you are a mother and a graduate student. Being aware of your needs, prioritizing, managing your time, and setting boundaries are important pieces to everyday life that can help you feel more in control. Communicating your boundaries and recognizing where and when they limit you can help you recognize when it is important to ask for help. Partners, professors, friends, and therapists are valuable resources. There’s a lot to handle, but you are capable, and you are not alone.

References:

Boorstin, J. (2020, July 15). How coronavirus could do real, long-term damage to women’s careers. Retrieved from https://www.cnbc.com/2020/07/14/how-coronavirus-could-do-long-term-damage-to-womens-careers.html

Katie LanginSep. 4, 2., Katie LanginAug. 20, 2., Katie LanginSep. 4, 2., Elisabeth PainMar. 21, 2., & June Gruber, J. J. (2020, September 04). As the pandemic erodes grad student mental health, academics sound the alarm. Retrieved from https://www.sciencemag.org/careers/2020/09/pandemic-erodes-grad-student-mental-health-academics-sound-alarm

Klebnikov, S. (2020, May 23). These 10 States Have The Highest Record Unemployment Rates. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/sergeiklebnikov/2020/05/23/these-10-states-have-the-highest-record-unemployment-rates/#c90e47f568ee

Maternal mental health. (2015, February 20). Retrieved from https://www.who.int/mental_health/maternal-child/maternal_mental_health/en/#:~:text=Worldwide about 10% of pregnant,and 19.8% after child birth.

Reh, F. J. (2019). Instead of Work-Life Balance, Consider Work-Life Flexibility. Retrieved from https://www.thebalancecareers.com/work-life-balance-and-juggling-glass-and-rubber-balls-2275864

The mental health of PhD researchers demands urgent attention. (2019, November 13). Retrieved from https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-019-03489-1

Ruth Bader Ginsberg was one of the first women to attend Harvard Law School and did so with a young toddler and a husband who was diagnosed with cancer and undergoing treatments (Supreme Court Historical Society). In a time when we are all in a position where being socially responsible means grinning and bearing it as we juggle more than we were meant to, Ruth Bader Ginsberg was our champion.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg paved the way for working moms to be able to work outside of the home in a career of her choosing without the fear of harassment, discrimination, or retaliation. Her career as an educator, attorney, lawmaker, and Supreme Court Justice aimed to dismantle any and all sex-based discrimination that prevented women and men from being treated equally and for that, we owe her an unpayable debt of gratitude.  Here are some ways that the Notorious RBG helped shape our everyday life today:

• In the seventies, Ginsberg litigated a series of cases that challenged the ways that government programs and employers treated men differently than women. Social Security disability benefits were rewarded to women who were widowed, but not men.
• In Struck V. Secretary of Defense, if a woman in the Air Force were to become pregnant, she was effectively kicked out of the military branch. However, if a man’s wife were to become pregnant, he was not.
• Ginsberg dissented a Supreme Court ruling that upheld a reversal of a federal court decision rewarding a female a sizable amount in back pay and damages due to sex-based pay discrimination. She stated, “The court does not comprehend or is indifferent to the insidious way in which women can be victims of pay discrimination,” and asked Congress to step in and remedy the situation as the Supreme Court had not.
• She championed women’s right to autonomy and their ability to make informed decisions regarding their health and family planning and the necessity of employer-sponsored healthcare to cover contraceptives, citing the inaccessibility due to cost for minimum wage workers.
• She fought for employees to have the right and ability to take time off of work to care for family members when dealing with illness, death, or injury.
• She gently taught lawmakers in the United States that while the traditional roles of men and women were important, to define them based on sex ignored the fact that the country was evolving, as was the roles that men and women found they had to play.
• She served as a powerful role model to all, but especially women, by taking on cases that challenged gender roles, gently challenging those that valued tradition over equality and autonomy, and being vocal about her views and opinions even when she was in the minority.

Ruth and Martin Ginsberg play with daughter in 1958, roughly a year before she would graduate from Columbia Law School (Chicago Tribune).

By no means is this an exhaustive list of all the ways RBG fought for gender equality. She graduated from Columbia Law School in 1959 and began teaching as a professor at Rutgers Law School in 1963 after a seemingly impossible job search. She co-founded the ACLU Women’s Rights Project in 1972 so that she could tackle the laws that discriminated against American citizens on the basis of sex. She was appointed to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia in 1980. In 1993 she was nominated by President Bill Clinton to sit on the Supreme Court of the United States. Leading up to these career highlights, she passionately fought for equality, using each position she held to further the cause and advance women of the United States to be equal to men (Supreme Court Historical Society).

“I attributed my success in law school largely to Jane. I felt each part of my life gave me respite from the other,” said Ginsberg in an article with the Atlantic where she talks about attending law school with her then 14-month-old daughter. Working moms today are having to juggle multiple roles, with the support of their partners when possible. Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s experience in law school as well as her career is a bold reminder of what is important, what our motivation is, how far we have come, and how far we need to go.

Harvard Law School began admitting women in 1950. Just six years later, Ruth Bader Ginsberg attended (Supreme Court Historical Society). She was passed a baton that she passed on to all working and studying women and mothers, as well as their partners. This baton represents hope, equality, and empathy and serves as a reminder that hard work, persistence, and resilience can accomplish great things.

References:

Ehrlich, J. (2020, September 19). Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s most notable Supreme Court decisions and dissents. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/18/politics/rbg-supreme-court-decisions-dissents/index.html

Johnson, S. (2020, February 10). ‘Notorious RBG’ now a museum exhibit in Skokie, too. Retrieved from https://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/museums/ct-ent-notorious-rbg-exhibit-illinois-holocaust-museum-ttd-0607-20200210-ybydo6hrqvd57fd7x5ykbrs44i-story.html

Managing your time is a particular challenge right now. Roughly 40% of Americans are working remotely while many school districts are opting for distance learning or a hybrid model (Smith, 2020). That means that mothers who are in graduate school are having to handle hard deadlines from school and work, while often managing and assisting their children with schoolwork. On top of that, they are trying to meet their family’s needs, as well as their own. Time management is a much trickier goal in a world that is coping with the reality of COVID-19.

There are many strategies out there and having a clear understanding of your obligations and what you can and cannot compromise on is an important consideration when deciding to become a grad student. What is important while you are completing coursework in grad school is incorporating those obligations and boundaries into a realistic, structured schedule that takes into consideration your deadlines.

According to Dr. Toyin Alli, a key to being able to structure your time is to know yourself. Identify when you are the most productive, what your needs are during the day, and how they change as time goes on. This will help you determine blocks of time that are optimal for you to work or study. As a mother, it’s important to recognize when your child needs you, and being communicative with your partner, your boss, and your professors if there is time in the day that you need to block off to focus on your child or another obligation.

We live in unprecedented times, and it is important to manage your time with flexibility because there are so many moving parts to our day that we were not used to having to account for before COVID-19. What worked yesterday might not work tomorrow. While it is important to structure your time, having a rigid schedule for yourself and everyone who is in your household each day is not realistic and can lead to burn out.

Another important aspect of managing your time is knowing where you can work. Having a place in your house that is designated for work is important and can increase your mood and productivity. It is a signal to your brain that you have things that need to get done. This can be a difficult piece of the ever-changing time management puzzle if you’re a working parent with children who are at home participating in distance learning and a spouse that is also working from home. Having clear communication regarding everybody’s obligations and needs is key to ensuring everybody has the time and place to work and study.

Having a flexible routine that you stick to is crucial to not only your productivity but your family’s sense of normalcy. Waking up at the same time each day, eating meals, having breaks, and a specific end of the workday are great ways for you and your family to remain productive, have their needs met, and effectively exist in the same space. Digital planners that allow you and your partner to sync your calendars are a handy tool. It can be as simple as syncing your google calendars. This allows you both to input all of your deadlines, meetings, and appointments for yourself and your kids, while visually seeing if there is a conflict so you can move things around accordingly before it is a problem. For school deadlines, it can be useful to physically handwrite assignments so planners such as The Happy Planner can be useful. It’s important to have a monthly, weekly, and daily view so you can manage your time accordingly. It can be so gratifying to physically check off things that you have completed, and a well-organized planner allows for that gratification.

One of the most important keys to managing your time while working from home, navigating distant learning with your kids, and keeping on top of your school tasks is communication. We are in unprecedented times, and employers and educators are right there with us. Often, they are juggling similar workloads. While it is no guarantee, you will likely find that they are more than willing to work with you and give you an extension if you need it. You will not get what you need if you do not ask for it.

You can not do it all. Mothers often feel like they need to. You can not be a teacher, a professional, a partner, a friend, and a student while maintaining your mental health. Even if you ‘can’ you shouldn’t. Managing your time is more important than it has ever been because we are balancing more than we ever have. One of the most important things to remember is that you need a structured routine that reflects the fact that you have a village in your family, educators, and employer and allows you to celebrate your wins.

References

Alli, T. (2020, May 24). How to MASTER Time Management in Grad School. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRrk9SUpbZM

Smith, A. (2020, June 30). Roughly 40% of Americans are working from home full time because of the pandemic. Retrieved September 14, 2020, from https://www.ktvu.com/news/roughly-40-of-americans-are-working-from-home-full-time-because-of-the-pandemic

Note about images: Images used in this blog post were obtained through Canva and edited by the author, Malory Brown

My career path was never linear. I had lofty dreams that changed frequently when I was younger. I very adamantly wanted to be a marine biologist and an archaeologist. Life happened, and I found myself moving 2,000 miles away from my family and becoming very comfortable (although not happy) with my job as a retail supervisor. I continually asked myself if I really was content being on the track I was on, while knowing the answer really was ‘no.’

When the time came for me to get my undergraduate degree, I knew I wanted more than my current career, but had no clue what that meant. I decided to major in what I was interested in, going back to my childhood desire of being an archaeologist and majored in Anthropology. And upon graduation, while applying to jobs and grad school, I found out I was pregnant. And so, my plans were put on hold and because of a number of factors, mostly the cost of childcare, I became a stay-at-home mom and got very used to putting everybody and everything else before myself.

Being a stay-at-home mom was the most challenging job I have ever had. I found myself in a mindless routine of redundant tasks and worrying. I went back to work when my son was one and found that to be the solution to a lot of the issues I didn’t know I had. It made me realize how much I had struggled with my own identity, or lack thereof, and sense of purpose outside of being a mother. I also felt like I was really good at what I did. I had found a social media content job and it made me fall in love with strategy, planning, brainstorming, and content calendars. The entire team was laid off while I was on maternity leave, and I almost immediately began looking for a position in marketing that aligned with what I was doing before.

However, I fell into the cycle that many professionals find themselves in at one point in their careers. I was under-qualified to do the type of work I wanted to do but overqualified for an entry-level position that would get me a foot in the door to where I wanted to be. According to a spreadsheet I made to track my applications, I applied to around 350 jobs in about a year. I needed to find a way to bridge my experience gap to qualify me for the positions I wanted.

It was always my goal to go to grad school, which is one of the reasons I justified majoring in Anthropology. But I felt selfish in considering going back to school, especially at that time, when my youngest was still a nursing infant. But as time went on, a voice in the back of my mind got louder and continued asking, “If not now, when?” I weighed all the pros and cons. I weighed them again. I read and I read. I found forums and Facebook groups. I asked myself when I would study, how we were going to afford it. I did not know everything I needed to consider and was relieved when I found Peterson’s Guide for Potential Grad Students.

Peterson’s guide helped me construct an objective as possible pros and cons list on why I should (or shouldn’t) go back to grad school. It made me realize that while the factors on my list were valid, it did not take into consideration the things that I needed to scrutinize in my decision process. I expanded on the guide by coming up with my own list of considerations with the needed lense of a mother and wife:

1. What could I afford – I knew I was going to need to pay out of pocket for my graduate education. I looked into grants and scholarships but crunched the numbers to calculate how much my estimated loan payments were based on the cost of the program, and what I could afford worst-case scenario (if we were a single income household still after graduation). I considered if I needed to put my children into daycare while I was studying, and how much that would affect our bottom line.
2. School/life/work balance – while I knew I needed to reprogram my brain to make myself a priority and get my family on board with that, I still had considerable obligations that I just couldn’t and didn’t want to give up. I wanted to make sure I was able to work and also be an involved and present mother to my children while finding some time for myself. Finding a program that allowed for optimal flexibility was crucial to my success.
3. How much time I could and wanted to spend doing schoolwork – I have always been an avid reader and finding time to read was something I was excited about. But I also knew that realistically I only had so much time to allot towards reading and schoolwork, even if I was determined to do it all. I needed to find a program that allowed me to do work in the evenings and weekends.
4. Could I get certifications – I needed to take inventory of the skills I had, and the skills I needed to get to where I wanted in my career. I looked into if certifications could help me bridge the gap between my current skill set and the skill set I needed to advance my career. I also looked into bootcamps, as there are a large number of different bootcamps for different fields.
5. How I was getting to class – considering the flexibility I needed, I had few options. I needed either a program that met on the weekends or was completely virtual with distance learning. In-person classes during the week were impossible at the time considering my husband’s commute to and from work. I would need to be on my way to class before he got home, and the logistics of that with two kids was impossible
6. School reputation – I wanted to come out of this program with a wealth of knowledge and real work skills, and I knew I needed a reputable university. I found there to be a lot of schools that were for-profit and came off as very predatory, with program offerings and enrollment processes that seemed to pray on potential students.
7. Faculty and Staff – The faculty and staff is very much related to the reputation of the university. In order to commit to a university, I needed to be given reliable information throughout the application and enrollment process. I also needed to feel confident in the knowledge and experience of the faculty teaching me.

There are countless considerations mothers need to think about when deciding to go back to school. Even if you are not a mother, it is a huge investment and commitment that needs to be considered carefully. Making a pro and cons list based on universal factors outlined in guides such as Peterson’s is incredibly useful. But you need to think carefully about your goals, your family needs, your finances, your time, and how that will all be accommodated by going back to graduate school. Taking the time to make this decision is incredibly important. The more time you put into the decision, the more likely you are to feel confident in it. Graduate school is a valuable key to success, but you need to be sure that your vision of success aligns with the program’s objectives.

References:

A Guide for Potential Grad Students: Should You Go To Graduate School? (2020, April 28). Retrieved from https://www.petersons.com/blog/a-guide-for-potential-grad-students-should-you-go-to-graduate-school/

Note about graphics: Graphics used in this post were designed by the author, Malory Brown

Welcome to Books & Bottles!

Mom life is insane as is. And when moms try to explore what they are passionate about… yikes! It’s incredibly difficult to have a meaningful career while also balancing a marriage or relationship, friendships, and trying to be a present parent. As if that all wasn’t enough, trying to find some time for yourself so you can reflect and not go insane is impossible. And for those of us who thought we had it figured out… 2020 comes along and gives us a pandemic!

This blog will chronicle my life as a mother of two, a wife, a professional, and a graduate student. I hope that my experience, outlook, and humor will help other women who are juggling the world right now know that they are not alone in this rat race that is motherhood. We are all struggling and we are all great mothers.

So, give your kid some screen time, give yourself a break, and let’s relax.

Iguana Private Office Meme, 2018 We Are the Might https://www.wearethemighty.com/MIGHTY-SURVIVAL/covid-19-memes-april-20?rebelltitem=29#rebelltitem29