This story works. It’s very interesting, the audio interviews punctuate it really well and are clear and easy to listen to (though the background conversation in the Bassam and Monserrat interviews is distracting). I have a few suggestions to make it even better and then I think it would be great for Hilltop Views:
1. More hard reporting to balance the anecdotal reporting (your interviews):
2. Writing stuff:
*You have 4 in the headline (should be four).
*Where in California is Mahnoor in college? And is EVERYONE in Pakistan Muslim, as you assert?
*You’re forgetting to set clauses off with commas. Example (see where I have placed commas): Nadim’s mother, while she possessed strong faith, was not necessarily involved in the religious practices that the culture demands.
*At this point in your discussion, I would be interested in knowing if she ever faced harassment or difficulty because of the hijab. Feels like she is still a bit ambivalent about practicing her faith? I feel like you needed to probe more in this interview: “During the time when Nadim was finding faith, she began wearing the hijab. She has since stopped wearing it. She explains that the hijab only has as much value as is attributed to it. She says at the point in her life when her faith life was weak, she needed the tangibility of the hijab but now that she is in a stronger place, she feels she no longer needs it.”
*Rookie AP Style mistake: “the imam”,
*Rookie AP Style mistake: praying 5 times a day,
*Word missing here in Monserrat’s story: “was fine but as she got older, she became frustrated that ??? related everything in their life to religion.”
*Should be “convert Bernal to Catholicism” not “convert Bernal into Catholicism”
November 26, 2016 at 6:18 pm
This story works. It’s very interesting, the audio interviews punctuate it really well and are clear and easy to listen to (though the background conversation in the Bassam and Monserrat interviews is distracting). I have a few suggestions to make it even better and then I think it would be great for Hilltop Views:
1. More hard reporting to balance the anecdotal reporting (your interviews):
This 2007 study you cite in the nut graph is interesting, but there is more out there (and more recent information) that paints an interesting picture of the religious and spiritual lives of college students and of the full context of their lives and interests (for example, they also drink less than previous classes and show a great commitment to civic and political activism). The falling away from formal religious practice needs more discussion before you launch into the interviews:
http://www.pewforum.org/2008/02/14/ucla-study-students-become-more-spiritual-in-college/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/04/religion-in-college-how-has-your-faith-changed-in-college_n_1853154.html
http://www.wsj.com/articles/college-freshmen-are-leaning-away-from-religion-1423113119
http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-american-freshman-survey-more-liberal-20160210-story.html
2. Writing stuff:
*You have 4 in the headline (should be four).
*Where in California is Mahnoor in college? And is EVERYONE in Pakistan Muslim, as you assert?
*You’re forgetting to set clauses off with commas. Example (see where I have placed commas): Nadim’s mother, while she possessed strong faith, was not necessarily involved in the religious practices that the culture demands.
*At this point in your discussion, I would be interested in knowing if she ever faced harassment or difficulty because of the hijab. Feels like she is still a bit ambivalent about practicing her faith? I feel like you needed to probe more in this interview: “During the time when Nadim was finding faith, she began wearing the hijab. She has since stopped wearing it. She explains that the hijab only has as much value as is attributed to it. She says at the point in her life when her faith life was weak, she needed the tangibility of the hijab but now that she is in a stronger place, she feels she no longer needs it.”
*Rookie AP Style mistake: “the imam”,
*Rookie AP Style mistake: praying 5 times a day,
*Word missing here in Monserrat’s story: “was fine but as she got older, she became frustrated that ??? related everything in their life to religion.”
*Should be “convert Bernal to Catholicism” not “convert Bernal into Catholicism”