Do you have a voice inside your mind that is harsh and critical of you? A voice that will berate you at even the potential of a mistake. This voice, my treasured reader, is known as the inner critic. Today, we are going to look at what it is, how to calm it and some DIY décor to help with it.
The who of it:
First, I want you to know, you are not alone. This is a shared struggle with no boundaries for whose heart can be stung by its words. Psychological researcher/storyteller Dr. Brene Brown explains that this voice is shame and that everyone struggles with it. In her famous Ted Talk, she describes how, “it’s universal . . . the only people who don’t experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame; no, I’m a sociopath. So, I would opt for ‘yes, you have a little shame’ than ‘no, I’m a sociopath.’” (Brown, 2010) For her full Ted Talk on the subject click here.
The how of it:
So how does shame work? In yet another famous Ted Talk, Dr. Brown goes on to illustrate the inner workings of shame by explaining how, “shame drives two big tapes. ‘Never good enough’ and if you can talk it out of that one ‘who do you think you are?’ The thing to understand about shame is it’s a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is ‘I did something bad.’ Shame is ‘I am bad.'”(Brown, 2012) Dr. Brown continued explaining how this inner voice goes on to have an outer impact in our lives by saying, “here’s what you need to know, shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here’s what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.” (Brown, 2012)
Which brings us to how do we deal with the voice?
This struggle boils down to worthiness. It’s the difference between who struggles with a sense of belonging and who does not. In her research, Dr. Brown found that the core difference between the two groups was simply who “believe(s) they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it.“ (Brown, 2010) At the bottom of this blog, I’m going to include a list of resources that will further expand on this critical topic and help guide you through this process of changing the shaming voice.
One key piece that can offer immediate relief is to retrain our mind on how we talk to ourselves. (Schiraldi, 2016) To demonstrate, when this shaming voice pushes up into our thoughts, we should tell it to “Stop!” and then practice speaking to ourselves like we would talk to a child that we favored. (Johnston, 2000) Or think, if you wouldn’t speak to your best friend that way, you shouldn’t speak to yourself like that either.
A helpful tip that I’ve found useful is to use pet names when talking to yourself. For example, I call myself “honey”, “sugar” and “darling” all the time.
How does this apply to interior decorating?
Best selling author and clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud teaches in his book “The Power of the Other” that you become an average of the 5 people that you hang around with the most due to their influence on you. (Cloud, 2016) Well, I posit that your home is a place that can be one of those influences in your life effecting change and encouraging you towards growth. For example, hanging motivational wall art up acts as a daily reminder to be kind to yourself. The one below is from the Your Darling Life shop that can be found on Etsy.
If you’re a do-it-yourself-er, below is a short instructional video for making a DIY wall décor that allows for interchangeable messages. For more in-depth, written instructions check out the second half of my blog for remodeling a fireplace (the instructions are there with tips and a link for the magnetic dots).
As promised, below is a list of clickable resources to further help untangle the struggle around shame and gaining our sense of worthiness:
- Free Self-Esteem Workbook
- Dr. Brene Brown’s book, “The Gift of Imperfections”
- Tara Brach, Ph.D.’s book “Radical Acceptance”
- Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D.’s “The Self-Esteem Workbook”
- Find a therapist
I’ll close with one of my all time favorite inspirational quotes from Marianne Williamson done in wall art by Anthi Leoni Decor:
References:
Brown, B. (2010, June). The power of vulnerability. Retrieved from Ted.com: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability
Brown, B. (2012, March). Listening to shame. Retrieved from Ted.com: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
Cloud, H. (2016). The Power of the Other: The Startling Effect Other People Have on You, from the Boardroom to the Bedroom and Beyond – and What to Do About It. New York: HarperCollins Publishers.
Johnston, A. (2000). Eating in the light of the moon: How women can transform their relationship with food through myths, metaphors, and storytelling. Carlsbad: Gurze Books.
Schiraldi, G. R. (2016). The Self-Esteem Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook). Oakland: New Harbinger Publication, Inc.