a play
by Melissa Hilliard
CHARACTERS
COULSON, 20
NICK, 20
ANCHOR PERSON VOICE (never appears on stage)
RESEARCHER VOICE (never appears on stage)
TIME
The present, around eight o’clock at night on a Wednesday
PLACE
Basement of Nick’s house. An old couch sits in the middle of the stage in front of it sits a TV.
(Coulson and Nick, sit hunched forward on the couch, playing a video game.)
COULSON
You know what bugs me?
NICK
The fact that you suck at this game?
COULSON
No, seriously.
NICK
What?
COULSON
In the zombie apocalypse-
NICK
Oh god! Would everyone just stop with the zombie apocalypse already!
COULSON
No, wait. Just hear me out.
NICK
(rolls his eyes) Okay, fine. What?
COULSON
So in the zombie apocalypse (pauses to make sure Nick is listening)
some disease breaks out and turns everyone into highly contagious walking corpses that devour human flesh or brains or something like that. Right?
NICK
Yes, that is the general idea.
COULSON
Right, but as this goes on, more and more zombies are being created.
NICK
I understand how zombies work. Are you going to get to a point soon?
COULSON
The point is that as the zombie hoard grows, their food source shrinks. See? Now you’re trying to feed more zombies with less food.
NICK
So?
COULSON
So, what do the zombies do when there are no more humans?
NICK
(beat) Well, I-I don’t know. Can zombies die?
COULSON
Scientifically speaking, they can’t be classified as living because they can’t reproduce. The brain just keeps firing synapses. That’s why the only way to “kill” (air quotes) a zombie is to sever the body’s connection with the brain.
NICK
Cut the head off.
(someone in the videogame screams as if being decapitated)
COULSON
Right. Or shoot it or whatever.
NICK
Okay, so what about when there are no more humans to shoot them? Would they just “live” (air quotes) forever?
COULSON
No. Think about it. Accidents happen, even to zombies. Actually, if you consider how coordinated the average zombie is, they are likely to be far more accident-prone than any other species.
NICK
That’s true.
COULSON
Also, having no consciousness, zombies would be unable to make alliances. It would be total anarchy and zombies would likely destroy many of their own kind.
NICK
Would they eat each other?
COULSON
They might, especially if the humans go extinct.
NICK
You’ve thought quite extensively about this haven’t you?
COULSON
(quietly) Yes.
NICK
What is it?
COULSON
I’ve thought about what I would do if there really were a zombie apocalypse.
NICK
Yeah, and?
COULSON
I know I wouldn’t last very long.
NICK
Hey man, there’s no way to know that. None of us know how we would cope.
COULSON
I do. It’s just something I know about myself. I’m not the surviving type.
NICK
So what? Even if that were true, there isn’t going to be a zombie apocalypse. Don’t worry about it.
COULSON
But I do worry about it. If I get infected, my body will become an instrument for the destruction of others. I could end up being responsible for killing or contaminating someone I love.
NICK
Look man, it wouldn’t even be you anymore.
COULSON
That doesn’t matter. It would be my fault for letting my body fall into their hands.
NICK
I don’t think anyone would say that you let them take you.
COULSON
Just promise me something, would you?
NICK
What?
COULSON
If there is a zombie apocalypse and I do get infected, you have to promise that you will kill me.
NICK
What? I can’t. I mean, who even knows if we’ll be together during the apocalypse.
COULSON
Of course we will. We’ve been best friends since as far back as anyone cares to remember. It’s inevitable that we would be together when the world falls apart.
NICK
Yeah, I know. (lowers controller)
COULSON
(sets controller to the side) So promise me.
NICK
(beat) Okay, fine. If there is a zombie apocalypse and if you get infected, I, Nicholas William Fredericks the third shall blow your unholy zombie brains from your rotten zombie skull.
(sound of videogame gore)
Just like that.
COULSON
That’s all I wanted to hear.
(both pick up their controllers and there is a long pause while they play. audible video game noise.)
NICK
Nonononono!
COULSON
Get the one on your left!
NICK
Which one on my left?
COULSON
Does it matter?
NICK
There are too many of them!
(video game failure sounds or a voice saying Game Over)
COULSON
(throws down the controller) Damn it! (sigh) Do you want to try again?
NICK
(stretching) No thank you. Let’s just see if there’s anything good on TV.
COULSON
(leans back into the squishy couch) There’s never anything good on TV.
NICK
(picks up the remote and starts channel surfing) There’s always the news.
COULSON
(groans) The news?
NICK
Hey, it’s better than watching mindless junk.
COULSON
Sure Mom.
NICK
Shut up. If I were your mother I would have raised you better than this.
COULSON
Are you implying that my mother is a bad parent?
NICK
Naw man. It’s not her fault she got landed with a kid like you.
COULSON
Now hold up a second-
NICK
Shhh!
COULSON
What?
NICK
Look. (turns up volume)
ANCHOR PERSON VOICE
No one knows how long this viral testing has been going on. In fact, we have received information that before the test subjects escaped, only top personnel at the research facility knew anything about the project.
COULSON
What the hell is she talking about and why do you care?
(Nick turns up the volume again)
Good lord you’re moody. (sulks a little)
ANCHOR PERSON VOICE
Researchers involved in the project are reluctant to release any information concerning the escaped subjects. (beat) there seems to be something happening off camera. Scott, could you get a shot of that.
RESEARCHER VOICE
(screaming) They need to know! Let go of me! They need to know!
(Coulson sits up and starts paying attention)
ANCHOR PERSON VOICE
What is it we need to know?
RESEARCHER VOICE
Subjects are extremely violent and highly contagious. Contact with their body fluids will cause immediate transformation.
(Nick and Coulson are wide eyed in fear)
ANCHOR PERSON VOICE
(sounding alarmed) If you are in or anywhere near downtown, stay inside, lock your doors, find a safe place to hide and stay tuned for more information.
COULSON
(panicked) Anywhere near where?
NICK
Here!
(Nick and Coulson look at each other for a second)
COULSON
(breathless) Shit.
NICK
Shit!
(beat. both jump off the couch and start running around the room)
COULSON
What do we do?
NICK
Lock the doors!
COULSON
Do you really think that would be enough?
NICK
T-there’s lumber in the backyard. We’ll nail the doors shut.
COULSON
And barricade them.
NICK
Great!
COULSON
Except-
NICK
Except what?
COULSON
The wood.
NICK
Yeah?
COULSON
In the backyard.
NICK
Yeah?
COULSON
Outside.
NICK
(beat) Shit.
COULSON
We don’t really have a choice do we?
(Nick shakes his head)
Okay, let’s do it.
NICK
One
COULSON
Two
NICK
Three!
(both run off stage uttering war cries. sounds of clumsy panic come from outside. both run back on stage carrying planks of wood and panting.)
Coulson, go get the hammer from the toolbox under the kitchen sink!
COULSON
Okay. (drops his planks and runs off stage in a different direction from before)
NICK
(calls after Coulson) Don’t forget the nails.
COULSON
(from off stage) Right!
(Nick passes the room, runs his hand through his hair, shaking a little)
I got it! (grabs a plank of wood and gets ready to start boarding the place up)
NICK
Wait!
COULSON
For what?
NICK
What about my parents?
COULSON
I thought you said they were on vacation.
NICK
They are, but what if they come back early?
COULSON
Two weeks early?
NICK
They might if they heard what was happening. You know how my parents are.
COULSON
Yes, I do, but they wouldn’t want you to be sitting in an unfortified house like an idiot while there are zombies on the loose!
NICK
You’re right. Give me that hammer.
(Coulson holds the board in place while Nick secures it.)
Hold on, what about your parents?
COULSON
Don’t worry about it.
NICK
(outraged) What do you mean “don’t worry about it”?
(Coulson mumbles something inaudible)
What?
COULSON
(rushed) We have a zombie escape plan!
NICK
What? Who even does that?
COULSON
It was a phase! Are you really going to ridicule me now?
NICK
No, I just can’t believe that you actually thought that seriously about it. (drops hammer on his foot) Ow! (picks up hammer) So what does this zombie escape plan entail?
COULSON
It’s a simple strategy of creating defenses and gathering rations.
NICK
Food! I almost forgot.
COULSON
I’ll go get it. I know your kitchen as well as my own.
NICK
I know you do.
(Coulson ignores Nicks jab and runs out the same direction as when he went to get the hammer. Nick continues nailing up planks until Coulson rushes back in with his arms full of food. Coulson accidentally drops an Ovaltine can and it rolls across the floor.)
Ovaltine?
COULSON
I panicked.
NICK
Just come help me with the boards.
COULSON
(sets the food down on the couch and crosses over to where Nick is standing. As he walks, he looks over at the TV.) Wait a second.
NICK
What!
COULSON
Why hasn’t the news come back on?
NICK
I don’t know.
COULSON
(walks over to the TV and picks up the remote) What channel is this?
NICK
Why the hell does it matter?
COULSON
Oh god!
NICK
What?
COULSON
It’s eight o’clock on a Wednesday and this (points at the TV with the remote) is the SyFy channel. In other words, we were watching an episode of the Twilight Zone!
NICK
Are you serious?
COULSON
(choking back laughter) Yes.
NICK
Oh my god. (buries his face in his hands)
(Coulson still laughing)
Okay, this never leaves this room got that?
(Coulson can’t speak so he nods)
Oh my god. (starts laughing) It’s kind of sad though.
COULSON
(gasping) What is?
NICK
The zombie apocalypse is already over and I never got the chance blow your brains out.
Video: