My week has been good, I have been on top of my game with homework and studying. I have been working hard so I was like why not and go out this weekend and party with my friends. So this weekend I went to the club, Kingdom, and it was super fun. I was dancing and jumping and having a great time. It wasn’t until 4 am when we left the club to go home and I was so tired after that. I took a lyft back to St Edwards and fell asleep at 5 am. I woke up at 1pm and realized I had a lot to do. So these things caught up to me I saw that I can’t take a break unless I finished everything for this weekend. Off tangent, but my friend from Houston came in to visit me and he expected to drop my lab report due and other papers due to hang out with him. I wish I did hang out but I have responsibilities to fulfill and did not want to lazy and procrastinate. My week was boring nothing important happened, other than my interest says that they’re available but could be lying. Sorry, I’m just spewing thoughts on here because I think this is a good place to clear my mind and empty my thoughts on a material that I could look back on.
It had been a couple hours since I attended the weekly 10:30 mass on my campus. It was a great experience to explore a new church. I am catholic and been catholic since birth but I really never went outside of my church until now. I was glad that I saw some of my favorite songs on their song book. I’m an avid listener of christian music and been to concerts as well. I got attached to songs like those which make me cry or feel types of ways. And it just brought back memories that I had back at my old church. I’ve been going to the same church for 18 years and been to their catholic school for 10 years. I’ve had friends since I knew from first communion to confirmation. I was also in the music ministry in my church too and it brought be so much happiness. I love to sing. I sing everywhere and everyday but I was pushed away from it due to my “tone deafness”. I really really enjoyed singing but was scared to join the ministry at first. But then I had the courage to join and it was the greatest choice ever. So let me tell you my journey through God. If my last journal didn’t convey my sexual orientation then I’ll restate that I’m gay. And as you know homosexuals and everyone in the LGBT community is frowned upon in the catholic community. So I hid my sexuality for years and I think I even suppressed the emotion for years as well, sometimes I wouldn’t believe that I was gay. My family is very traditional as well so it was hard to tell them who I was. In my sophomore year of high-school I had the courage to confess my true self to my parents and let me say it wasn’t the most hurtful nor the most welcoming. They didn’t believe me, and told me that I didn’t know I was saying and that I should come back to them when I’m 18 and tell them then. I was sad but not devastated I was kind of glad that they didn’t take it too hard. My feelings on the other hand were different. I thought that I was a mistake to be made, or some type of error in God’s code. I was questioning why I am here, I wasn’t suicidal but I was confused about my existence and why God made me like this. I was scared and lost in my faith and in myself too. But then I join the ministry and it taught me so much. I was in catholic Sunday school and I hated it every year until my last year into it. I saw that I needed to continue my faith but had no idea why and my parents wanted me to anyways. I had joined the ministry in my junior year, right after I confirmed. I had experienced such love and passion for God inside the music and the people who sang those songs. I didn’t find my question of why God made me like this but I had my other questions answered by him and others as well. That he loves us and everyone else no matter who they were. I was happy to find that in God I had a spot in his heart and knew that he was accepting of me. That’s why I’m so into my faith now because I had been wondering around not knowing where to go before, but now I had a path to follow with people by my side guiding me there. I just want to show you my favorite lyric from this song. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretched like me, I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see”. It spoke to me so much because that was me. I was lost in myself and who I was but God had shown me his love for me and now I found myself. I was blind by hate of others but now I can see the love God has. I know I went on a tangent but I losing my faith during the summer and because of this mass, I was reminded of my old church and I put myself in check. I’m sorry Dr. Haynes if you’re not catholic or christian at all and I’m bothering you with this mumbo jumbo, but if you are I am so glad that I got to share my journey through God and through my faith.
It has been 11 days since I left Houston and it has been bumpy. I love Austin so much and the culture throughout the city. But after hearing and seeing Hurricane Harvey destroy hometown, I was consumed with worry for my friends and family. Schoolwork is being a great distraction for my worries of Houston. Also, I met a nice boy, Kale. I met him on Monday while I was with my friends dorm in UT. We went to Don Japanese Kitchen. He was great to talk to, but he was real hard at keeping a conversation with so I had to work hard. We went back to the dorm after we ate and we talked and he was just SUPER ADORABLE. I just wanted to stay at UT all night with him. However it passed midnight so I had to leave for my science seminar in the morning. All night that night I thought of him and snapped him some. I snapped him that “I made it home but my roommate (Alex) was being an asshole (which he wasn’t, I was trying to make conversation)”. He replied with “stay here” and that made my night. I was like screaming in my head OMG DID HE JUST SAY THAT?. I was giggly the whole night with him swirling in my mind. But my morning turned worst. It was Tuesday morning went to crap. I snapped him in the morning and I was left opened. I was sad the morning. I know I’m not suppose to like be sad about it, but it just happened and so I hated myself for being sad about that. I decided to distance myself from these feelings so I wont get so heart-strung and devastated if he didn’t like me back. So the rest of the day I was trying to keep my mind of off him which eventually I did. I forgot about his existence and went on with my life. Wednesday was THE DAY. I loved Wednesday cause I was gonna find out if he liked me or not. I shrunk my feelings and now I barely had an interest with him, or so I thought. I kept myself convinced that I had little feelings for the business major guy in UT. I soon found out that I was lying to myself this whole time. I had feelings but not a crush so it wasn’t THAT BAD. I had asked my friend to find out if he was into me or not. But the sooner I waited the less I cared. So the night of she was talking to him, but I was already uninterested with him at this point. I barely cared for his answer and just wanted to move on to another boy already. I get a texted from her and guess what she says. “He has a gf”. I wasn’t THAT devastated to hear the big news. I think I was more relieved than anything. I didn’t have to worry about if he liked me or not which could let me move on. However I’ve taken in interest in this guy on my floor. His rosey cheeks and cute glasses and nice cut hair make him adorable. He’s a math major so its not my cup of tea but it doesn’t matter it’s diversity so why not. I don’t know about these feeling but it’s something I can explore this year. I don’t know if hes gay but it doesn’t matter because I need to keep my distance so when I do FIND out, I won’t be too sad about it. So the big picture is that its hard to date when you’re gay because you have find out if they’re gay or not and that is hard because you can’t ask straight up like that because if they ARE straight that is SUPER OFFENSIVE so it’s a 50/50 chance and that is a big chance to find out so you need to do some digging. Ask the people that you met through them to find out or see their social media if it says anything about their sexuality. It’s just a super long process that I would not like to go through but I have to. So Good Luck Dr. Haynes!
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