Journal Entry: September 10

It had been a couple hours since I attended the weekly 10:30 mass on my campus. It was a great experience to explore a new church. I am catholic and been catholic since birth but I really never went outside of my church until now. I was glad that I saw some of my favorite songs on their song book. I’m an avid listener of christian music and been to concerts as well. I got attached to songs like those which make me cry or feel types of ways. And it just brought back memories that I had back at my old church. I’ve been going to the same church for 18 years and been to their catholic school for 10 years. I’ve had friends since I knew from first communion to confirmation. I was also in the music ministry in my church too and it brought be so much happiness. I love to sing. I sing everywhere and everyday but I was pushed away from it due to my “tone deafness”. I really really enjoyed singing but was scared to join the ministry at first. But then I had the courage to join and it was the greatest choice ever. So let me tell you my journey through God. If my last journal didn’t convey my sexual orientation then I’ll restate that I’m gay. And as you know homosexuals and everyone in the LGBT community is frowned upon in the catholic community. So I hid my sexuality for years and I think I even suppressed the emotion for years as well, sometimes I wouldn’t believe that I was gay. My family is very traditional as well so it was hard to tell them who I was. In my sophomore year of high-school I had the courage to confess my true self to my parents and let me say it wasn’t the most hurtful nor the most welcoming. They didn’t believe me, and told me that I didn’t know I was saying and that I should come back to them when I’m 18 and tell them then. I was sad but not devastated I was kind of glad that they didn’t take it too hard. My feelings on the other hand were different. I thought that I was a mistake to be made, or some type of error in God’s code. I was questioning why I am here, I wasn’t suicidal but I was confused about my existence and why God made me like this. I was scared and lost in my faith and in myself too. But then I join the ministry and it taught me so much. I was in catholic Sunday school and I hated it every year until my last year into it. I saw that I needed to continue my faith but had no idea why and my parents wanted me to anyways. I had joined the ministry in my junior year, right after I confirmed. I had experienced such love and passion for God inside the music and the people who sang those songs. I didn’t find my question of why God made me like this but I had my other questions answered by him and others as well. That he loves us and everyone else no matter who they were. I was happy to find that in God I had a spot in his heart and knew that he was accepting of me. That’s why I’m so into my faith now because I had been wondering around not knowing where to go before, but now I had a path to follow with people by my side guiding me there. I just want to show you my favorite lyric from this song. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretched like me, I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see”. It spoke to me so much because that was me. I was lost in myself and who I was but God had shown me his love for me and now I found myself. I was blind by hate of others but now I can see the love God has. I know I went on a tangent but I losing my faith during the summer and because of this mass, I was reminded of my old church and I put myself in check. I’m sorry Dr. Haynes if you’re not catholic or christian at all and I’m bothering you with this mumbo jumbo, but if you are I am so glad that I got to share my journey through God and through my faith.

 

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